Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

Time for evil

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

The two types of wives

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

His hearts in his throat

His lungs in his knee

His stomachs inside out

Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.