Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.