Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

Every time.

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

Can. I. Help. You.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?