Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

secret recipe

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?