Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

3% human
97% stress

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.