The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
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Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE