The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
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Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.