Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.