Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

(Musicians.)

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

Should I call tech support or pray or what

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

I am laughing way too hard at this.

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

just gave my 5yo power of attorney