Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

🤣🤣🤣

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.