The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
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Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
SQUARREL
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time