Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

[Job interview]

employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!

me: I hope that’s ok-

emp: when can he start?

me: WHAT?!

cat: meow

emp: great!

me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation