The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
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My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
The 6 types of sex
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.