The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
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ugh not again
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you