The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
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Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice