The Book. The Movie.
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Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there