The Book. The Movie.
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grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.