The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
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My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
hmmm
I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
dogs can find happiness so easily
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.