The booster protects against what, now?
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*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.