The booster protects against what, now?
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Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips