The booster protects against what, now?
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her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Smells like a challenge to me
The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I bet
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.