The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
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me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Not with that attitude
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.