The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
You Might Also Like
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Every damn time
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.