Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

THE AUDACITY. 😤

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks