Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.