the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
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One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.