Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

After 35, your body ages in dog years

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

the noise i just made

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.