the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
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I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
Every. Damn. Time.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
sign of the times 🖊
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach