The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
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mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.