The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
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i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
They’re called werewolves.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Lunatics are gonna loon.