Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”