Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.