Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

noooooo don’t hurt yourself

let me do it

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight