THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
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*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
honey, bring out the fine china.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.