The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
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I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?