The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
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Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.