The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
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If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway