Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭