Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

The best shot in the history of golf

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?