Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

la cocaina

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice: Hey!

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…

Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.

me: Beetlejuice…

Beetlejuices: please stop.

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!