Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.