The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
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Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Every
Single
Year
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
what’s the point then??
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine