Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.