The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
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When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
a lot to unpack here
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10