Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.