The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
You Might Also Like
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I triple waxed for this?
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Rather alarming headline…
Story of my life…..
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
How do I get a job writing these texts
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.