Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

No regrets in 2018

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*