The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
You Might Also Like
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
meow
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”