The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
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Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
Not with that attitude
