The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
You Might Also Like
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not