The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
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So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back