Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

This story is comedy gold 😂

This guy’s not having it 😆

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.