The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
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walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”