The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
You Might Also Like
THE DOG😭😭💀
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.