Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally! 😈

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets