The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
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“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
So inspired right now.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.