The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
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I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
worst…sale…ever
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me