The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
You Might Also Like
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.