Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

who’s gonna tell her?

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.