Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands