The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
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the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Fun Things
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
weddings should have a worst man
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
