the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
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I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out