Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

Sounds like a real hoot.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

Stop it! 😂

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid