the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
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How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Hit me in the face with a bird
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.