the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
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It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”