Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

Happy weekend !

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

what’s really going on

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.