Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

i think my razor is having a panic attack

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

What a website

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?