The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*