Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it