The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
You Might Also Like
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.