Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death