Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

A wise man once said nothing.

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.