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[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
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Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.