Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.