“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
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Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Tuesday
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine’s Day, I’d secretly drop fake engagement rings into random drinks—just to sit back and watch the chaos unfold. Bon appétit!
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
two people or more is called a problem