Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.