The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
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10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Better luck next time champ
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
My circle of trust is a meatball
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
(True)
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.